She would have been 22 years old, but I never mourned her until now. Life gets in the way, you know? I’ve been busy raising my son Rocco, who is now 26, and helped to raise two of my stepchildren, Sasha and Toby, although they were nearly adults when I married their father. Five other step-children came into my life, Fleetwood, Starr, Louisa, Heather and Chantal but we only visit once or twice a year. This morning when I Googled “how to do music.ly” a social media site that marries lip sync and dance, I found a tutorial of a young girl teaching her mother. And I cried. Through the awkwardness and the banter, it is obvious the mother and daughter are very close. Thirty seconds into the eight minute video, the mom cannot contain her pride and hugs the young girl, while her daughter pushes away, smiling. The mother says “I love her. I love her so much! This is my only chance to get to hug her…” Although likely embarrassed, as any teenager teaching a parent how to lip-sync to a rap video would be, it is clear they have fun together. They giggle, and playfully tease each other as the mom tries to learn this new technology and be “hip”. I know…., my son will be embarrassed I used that archaic word.
It was then that suddenly, after more than two decades, I realized I missed her and I never even knew her. I missed having a close sibling for Rocco, and another child of my own. I would have named her Coco, because, yes, I like Chanel, but also because it rhymes with Rocco. I wonder what they would have been like as brother and sister. I wonder what it would have been like to have a daughter I could tease and learn from, and hug. Would she be embarrassed by my selfies, clothing choices and attempts to lip sync and dance? What would she teach me, I wondered.
On those crazy-long information sheets required to fill out at the doctor’s, I have to acknowledge that I have been pregnant twice, but only delivered one child. I have to check the box for ectopic, or tubal pregnancy. It never, ever bothered me until now.
Like many women who’ve had miscarriages, I felt all the symptoms of pregnancy for weeks. It’s hard to deny the hormonal changes that occur in the body; breast tenderness, fatigue, and a sudden aversion to certain foods. I’d endured it all before when I was pregnant with my son. The most important symptom was, of course, my intuition. I knew that there was a tiny human growing inside me. And I knew it was a girl.
On a ski trip with my father, son and husband, Ted, I woke up one morning with incredible pain in my abdomen. I immediately wondered if I had food poisoning. An hour after the initial cramping started, I was bent over in pain. I knocked on my dad’s hotel room door and told him I wasn’t feeling well. My husband was going to drive my son and I home. We had a couple of good ski days already. Maybe I was over-doing it and needed some rest.
It was only thirty minutes into the four-hour drive home that I realized the pain was becoming extraordinarily severe. In fact, I thought I was going to die.
We found a nearby hospital and I was admitted immediately. “I’m pregnant,” I said through sobs. At that moment, I started to realize what was at stake: a life. Maybe two. Hundreds of women still die during pregnancy-related deaths every year in the United States.
The ER doctor said surgery was imminent and urgent and that I would lose one of my fallopian tubes and the fetus, the baby. The human. The soul. While I was being wheeled into the operating room, as if in a movie, Ted and Rocco told me they loved me and they’d be waiting for me.
Was this really happening? The pain subverted my attention from the fact that I would no longer be pregnant. What does that mean? Where does she go? Perhaps I’d never be able to have another child. Maybe I will die.
After the surgery, I woke up in the maternity ward. Couldn’t they find another place for me? I heard women screaming during childbirth, and then..babies crying… The pain prevented me from thinking about it too much.
The phone in my room rang. Although I was still groggy from the procedure, I struggled to answer it. “Is Ted there?” A woman asked. She said she heard that Ted Nugent’s wife was in surgery there and that she was a big fan. I hung up. Seriously?
And then it was over. Life got in the way.
I returned home and went through the motions of raising Rocco, going to Toby’s basketball games and Sasha’s volleyball games, and being my husband’s wife. Years passed and I continued to write the number “2” in the doctor forms inquiring about how many pregnancies I’d had.
I never sulked. I never cried about the life that was lost.
Now, I wonder what kind of video tutorials I would have done with Coco. What career path she would have taken.
I miss her.
And I never had a chance to hug her.
What an incredibly touching story, Shemane! Thank you for your bold vulnerability about a tragedy that so many suffer through in silence. I know it will heal hearts if only to know they’re not alone in their pain. No matter when we miss what or whom has been lost, it’s real and a sign that your soul is ready to cry the “old tears” that have been waiting. Praying for comfort as you mourn this tremendous loss.
Thank you Amy! I appreciate your support.
It was a wonderful post to read. A reflection that makes one think. I sent you an email Shemane I hope you get it it is some of my life in there so let me know. I also sent you my doggie picture. I love her! Thank you Shemane!
Love kids & love dogs!!! xo
So sorry for your loss. This was a brave post to share with everyone…its a start of healing from your loss..but never forgetting…I know your little girl is in heaven smiling down on you and being your Angel…God speed.. Barb
I know the feeling from a man’s point of view anyways…always wonder how it would have been to have had the chance to get to know my son I’ve never met. Same story as yours… except she wasn’t suppose to be able to get pregnant! Tubal of course but never the less I missed the chance to raise another child …. someday I hope to meet him in the afterworld.
wow..im a man,,,who has a wife and mother,,both have been thru ….
Thank you for sharing your story….My sister was on her 2nd pregnancy after she barely successfully had a baby boy a few years earlier. She was supposed to never be able to have a child. Sophia, the 2nd baby, and my sister had a rough time during the pregnancy. Sophia had to come early. My sister’s husband’s brother was the gyne that delivered both her children. Sophia came early and unfortunately her lungs were not quite fully developed. My sister’s husband, also a doctor, had Sophia on a ventilator for a week or so. Sophia took her last breath while my sister held her. My sister wouldn’t let Sophia go for 4 hours after she died.
I’m so sorry.
It’s wonderful to think that we will be reunited.
Love and hugs to you, your sister and Sophia, S
Sad, but beautiful memory. Many prayers for your angel! Miscarriages are so difficult, I’ve had 2. But like you said, life keeps you going! Hugs!
I too lost a son. I was 43 years old. 5 months along I went on for a sonogram and there was no heartbeat. I had to go in immediately to induce. I had him the next morning. We sat and rocked him and walked to him. I don’t think I’ve ever mourned him. Life continued..,.
I’m so sorry Cathy.
We will be reunited again…..
It is a grief that will never go away. My son was two days old when he died. The one things i have said for 26 years….you learn to breathe again. There were moments in life where you feel like you are holding your breath, but you learn to breathe again. 26 years ago, my son Stephen changed my life, and through my memories of him…I learned to breathe again.
It is a grief that will never go away. My son was two days old when he died. The one thing I have said for 26 years….you learn to breathe again. There were moments in life where you feel like you are holding your breath, but you learn to breathe again. 26 years ago, my son Stephen changed my life, and through my memories of him…I learned to breathe again.
yes, we learn to breathe again.
I’ll be praying for the Lord to bring you peace and comfort, to stay close to your side. Bless you and your family. You have many rewards waiting for you that will include hugging Coco.
Thank you, Katie!
Your very brave this will help others! *Hugs* amazing story
Shemane, we will meet our lil ones again! I know how you feel when you have to acknowledge a baby that’s not here in the physical world! Even after all these years I still feel the emptiness even though I have three beautiful adult children! We still talk about our lil one! You are an amazing person and thank you for sharing your life with us! ❤️
Hugs to you Marianne!
Thank you for sharing. I know it was not easy for you . My mom and dad suffered the loss of my older brother when he was 4
In a tragic accident. I was not born yet but i saw how it affected them the rest of their lives. I will pray for you and your family.
Thank you, and prayers to you, as well
Beautiful story Shemane. I too have experienced 3 miscarriages and finally we were blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 14 after 14 years of infertility. We will get to see our heavenly babies again! God bless you!
Thanks Michelle. We are blessed. ; )
I know how well you feel. She was your child . Lost mine after 19 years with him . I cherish them years and still mourn his lost every has changed , I think now how it would be if he was here at age of 40 ,He was musician in school played bass guitar in jazz band , played baritone sax in marching band . I think would he of made it big , he was very good, great kid . I think would I had Grandchildren. I didn’t have time to grieve I had youngest son to raise help him through terrible loss . Worked as a nurse job was very demanding life does get in the way . Now that I’m sitting here alone older I think of him more and more . Even though you never got to know her it was your child , You still need to grieve the lost . My prayers are with you. No greater loss than your child. Hugs.
I’m so sorry for your loss, too.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
The same thing happened to me….It hurts my heart everyday. No one will understand unless it’s happened to them.
Yes, and I’m sorry for your loss as well.
Your a good woman and mother. I pray that your husband understands just how lucky he is to have a wife with such a tender loving heart. God bless you.
I hope so.
Shemaine honey, there are no words that will ever take away the ache that still remains in you’re heart but please somehow take comfort her soul is still alive and well in the presence of almighty God. He has her in his care until later. You will see her and what joy that will be!!! I’m tearing up writing this as I know as a mother myself how I would feel like. I send you much love and comfort. Please give yourself time to grieve but don’t stay there too long… release your pain. You must know that she will show you the wonders of heaven. This life is short but heaven is eternal. ❤
Your words are very healing….thank you.
I lost not only a daughter all those many years ago but a son as well. Maybe some day I will like you be able to sit down and put my thoughts into words. But for now I just deal with the occasional restless nights lying awake at night wondering what if.
Why not do it now, while you’re thinking about it?
Hi Shemane, Thank you for sharing your story. I also had an ectopic pregnancy, it about killed me. I had my tubes tied and still got pregnant. I went through all of the normal changes, my doctor told me my uterus was enlarging normally, everything was normal..until the ultrasound revealed it was in the tube. I didn’t want anymore kids because I had a boy and a girl already, but I was crushed. I ended up getting a methotrexate shot to kill the growth but it ruptured (the tube) and I started hemorrhaging. I went into septic shock, then emergency surgery. It messed with my head for years. I’m over it now, and I appreciate my two beautiful children. Life is precious and fragile. I believe we’ll meet our little angels someday:-)
yes. we will.
I’m sorry for your loss and all the pain.
God bless you.
I’m sitting here sobing after reading this post Shemane. Wow thank you for sharing. Hugs and prayers for you. You will meet one day for that hug!!
I too have been thru this. . I have my son who is going to be 21 on new years eve raised 3 children who are my boyfriends.. you do forget but never forgotten. . Your daughter would have been your twin, with a kind heart just as you do. . Thank you for your story ♡
It’s good for us to discuss on occasion.
Blessings to you and yours..
I too have lost a baby that I so desperately wanted. We had tried for years. Then finally went through invetro. I lost my baby and never found out if it was a boy or s girl. The pain in my heart was horrifying. I’m somewhat at piece with it now. I don’t instantly cry when whining about it. You never really get over it, you adjust and learn to live without. I hope you are able to find piece.
Yes, you just live with it.
I’m sorry for your loss, as well.
I remember going through the same thing with my wife.
As a husband, I felt pretty useless at that time. Feeling the loss, but no where near feeling it as deeply as Judy. It was our first pregnancy and the three children we have had since then was the “Life gets in the way for us.”
Since then I have watched other couples go through it. I guess that it’s nice that I understand…
My oldest daughter is going to make me a grandpa in August. She had to see a doctor today for some complication. He said there is nothing to worry about. But I do.
Thanks for sharing your story.
It must be difficult for guys to watch women in their lives go through this. Just know that listening, hugs and patience really goes a long way. ; )
You are amazing. I have never heard this part of the story of the loss with a miscarriage. The hopes and dreams that never came to be. I love the way you were able to tell your story. So brave. I pray this reaches others with the pain of loss. Thank you
I hope so too. I’m sure there are many women who suffer in silence.
Thank you for being here Anita.
Wow! I am moved. This was so beautifully written Shemane. My heart goes out to you as a mother who didn’t get to hold her little girl. Thank you so much for sharing such a delicate part of your life. Hugs sent.
I’ll gladly accept the hug. ; )
Wow Shemane I’m in tears. What you shared so transparently will touch millions of people who also have lost children yet to be born. I never thought of it in this way and how painful it must have been not just physically but emotionally. Love you even more!
I love you even more too!
Thank you, my friend. xo
I’m sorry for your loss Shemane, It took a great deal of courage to open up about something so deeply personal and heartbreaking . I pray for you and your family. You are blessed with a loving family and a lot of fans that will give you a lot of support to help guide you through this rough time. God Bless You and your Family !!
Thank you Jeff.
God bless you.
So sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing so openly. Praying for peace for you and comfort in the knowledge that Coco is with the Lord!
Thank you Rocco.
Every soul matters and we ultimately we can continue that connection to them, whether they reside with us or not. So glad that you gave voice to those feelings and continue to feel her. Love never dies…..
I agree. Every soul does matter.
Thank you Linda.
I never thought about it much until now. I’m sorry that it’s happened to you too.
(I’ll tell Ted!)
Thank you for sharing your inner-most thoughts about such a touching time in life. I think we as women are really good at giving what our family needs and putting ourselves on ‘hold’. I’m glad you were finally able to miss Coca. I hope the bitter sweet memories are added to your heart in a special place that helps us grow and become the wise and strong mentors for the women in our lives that need our wisdom. For now, I am so sorry about your loss and pain.
Very kind of you Denise. Thanks. Women are really good at taking care of others 1st.
I didn’t think anything bad had ever happen to shemane perfect.
I wish. But then again, all the tragedies have made me stronger.
I always felt blessed to have Rocco so I never complained or allowed myself to. Until now.
Thanks for being here.
Blessings to you and your family Carol!
I’ve no doubt Coco would be a good person just like her Parents!
God Bless You and the entire Family!
Beautiful. Jesus take care of Shemane’s Coco. And take care of my Crystal. 5 1/2 month fetal demise when i was 29. I did hold her. I still the warmth in my arms.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Praying for them both.
Wow…..reading this made me tear up. I could never get pregnant but we were so fortunate to adopt newborn twins who are now 22 years old. Thanks for posting this!
Shemane,I had no idea that you had gone through this my heart ❤️ is always with you & your beautiful family. This is why people are in love with the Nugent family “You are so real & honest & are not afraid to share your feelings or heartbreaking stories” although we’ve never met you’ll always have a friend in me.
Thank You for being you. Beautiful inside & out.
and thank YOU for being here.
I’ve lost a baby boy 11 years ago this July. I also happened to be 4.5 months pregnant. I had my 4 year old girl to take care of, so I was constantly busy. I would feel Christian kick from time to time, but other times I didn’t, and never even thought twice about it. It wasn’t until I went to have another ultrasound that I found out the horrible news. My husband and daughter were sitting in the room with me as the technician was trying to find a heart beat. Then, the next thing I know, she has my doctor come into the room. I wanted to see my baby on the computer screen, but they had it facing the other way. All I can remember were the tears falling from my eyes. The technician didn’t say a thing, but the doctor said he couldn’t find a heart beat. After I got out of the room, we met the doctor in his office and he told us the baby was already gone…like 2 weeks prior to that day. The next thing he wanted was for me to have him removed at the hospital. Being Catholic, at the hospital they were trying to get the fetus to expel naturally. It never happened. I laid in a be for 2.5 days waiting to just go home and let this all be over. They ended up taking Christian with a medical procedure.
I never was told our baby was going to be a boy, I just knew. After this ordeal, I did not want to go through this experience again. My daughter was never going to have brothers or sisters, and this made me feel selfish and I began hating myself. I blamed myself for what happened. I must not have taken care of myself. Every year that goes by, I think of him. I go visit his ashes that the hospital sent to a place at the cemetery where all babies go. I still talk to him. I remember when his birthday would have been. I cry so much at times, but most days I am ok. It is hard for us women to ever get over such a loss.
I’m so sorry Linda.
We just know, don’t we?
hugs and healing prayers to you, S
Dear Auntee, I follow you and you help many. I think you have become very strong for a “reason” and I hope you keep evolving. You WILL know her. Maybe not in the traditional sense. You may be gifted by someone soon. You will know when it happens. Thank you for being a leader..God Bless you. And I know it to be true, you will be reunited. JC
Wow. Your words hit home. I appreciate your presence here.
I know we will be reunited. Rocco, Coco and I.
Until then, I will continue to lift others, evolve and strengthen.
I am so Sorry Shemane….What a touching story. I have my own similar accounts of this type of loss and it does sit in the background for many. I Pray for your strength and resolve.
I am sorry for your loss Shemane. The birth of my first son was so easy, I was so frustrated when I began having miscarriages. There were 5 of them. And each time I was in such a strange emotional place. My husband was there for me of course. I wanted some acknowledgement and sympathy from my friends but none of them knew I was pregnant in the first place since I lost all of the babies in the first trimester. Too strange to tell someone I was pregnant but now I’m not. Having a miscarriage early in pregnancy is a very lonely experience.
It is frustrating Judi. And everyone assumes you just continue as if nothing happened.
But something did.
God bless you.
Shemane, you just ripped my heart out with this honesty and pain. I felt it. It was like opening old wounds you’ve buried and face the emptiness all over again. I knew Ted in high school and would car pool with the guys from Viator’s. I married Doug McArthur and he passed in 92. His daughter is EXACTLY like him. Ted will remember Doug. Well, if you really want a daughter, you can borrow mine. She’s exactly what you are missing. Ted WAS quiet (YES HE WAS) until music came on in the car. Great memories, too few but I’m happy as hell he found you! Love and Hugs.
Thank you Sue!
Shemane, I am so sorry for your loss. My three daughters have each lost a child. One born without lungs, born too early. One stillborn. I held and kissed both these babies and miss them dearly. Having to bury a grandchild is the same as having them. Sons are different than daughters but each needs the same love and guidance, no matter how old they become. They all need moms forever. Know Coco’s sole is with you and one day you’ll be together once again.
Thank you Martha. I know Coco is watching. ; )
Thank you so much for sharing Shemane, I lost my girl Veronica, almost 34 years ago, it never goes away. God Bless you!
And God bless you, too.
I had twins at 26 weeks via emergency c section. My Daughter weighed 1 lb 11 ozs and my son weighed 2 lbs 13 ozs. After 8 hours they called and said my son was not doing well and there was nothing more they could do and ask if I wanted to see him. Of course I said yes. As they handed him to me they started unplugging everything that was keeping him alive. He opened his eyes and took his final breath as I kissed him and told him to fly with the angels. 9 years later my daughter is doing amazing but not a day goes by I don’t think what if…
Destiny, I am so so sorry for your loss and pain.
I think your son is hanging out with Coco. ; )
Hi Shemane,over the last 6 years my wife and I had 2 miscarriages,finally this past December 16th we were Blessed with a Baby Boy.We had just moved from Springfield Illinois to Round Rock Texas,our baby was born 4 months premature,we have been at Dell Children’s Hospital since then,through Gods Grace,we will be bringing our Son Paul home in 2 or 3 weeks.After reading you story,it brought tears to my eyes.We are Grateful to God for giving us a son,but we will never forget our Baby’s in Heaven.
No, we never forget.
Thank you for sharing.
Im very sorry for your loss. I get so upset when I read what people post on FB about you and Ted. From watching your show, to reading your posts, and seeing Ted in concert, I got to know you better. Your down to earth people. You enjoy life when you can, but you hurt like the rest of us. Your a strong, and beautiful women. Ted is a very lucky man in so many ways. Stay strong.
I appreciate the kind words Tim. And yes, we hurt like everyone else.
After one successful pregnancy, which produced my adorable granddaughter Meadow, my daughter had 3 miscarriages in a two year span. I cannot phantom the heartache, having had 3 healthy children myself. Yet with every loss, my heart broke for her. All I could do was be there for her when she needed to a shoulder or a hug or an ear to vent. The last one we were at the Dr.s office to get an ultra sound and maybe find out if it was a boy or girl. The tech was having a hard time finding a heart beat , which was very strong just the week before. From the look on the techs face I knew there was a problem. It killed me watching the emotions crossing my daughters face as she began to realize what was happening. I had never felt so helpless as a mother in my entire life! All I could do was mourn ‘our’ loss with her. A few months ago she announced she was pregnant again. Though it filled me with joy beyond imagination, I am also cautious. She is high risk and I fear if she loses this one too it will break her. She lost the others going into her 4th month, and she is now 14 weeks in. We are all holding our breaths and praying God delivers us a healthy miracle. People don’t know what goes on in a woman’s mind after losing something so precious to them. They don’t understand that it is a grieving process as much as losing a spouse or anyone you have loved. I want to thank you for your post. It touched my heart. I wasn’t aware you had a blog until I saw the link your husband posted on his FB page. I’m glad I clicked on it. Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to share a little bit of mine.
Thanks for being here Darlene.
Praying for a healthy miracle for you and your daughter.
Shemane, I can only imagine your pain and I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience it and carry it for so long. My daughter had a miscarriage and I felt that loss and sadness but I have never experienced the loss of a child myself. I didn’t know how to help her. As a mother, I felt helpless. I know many people who’ve had miscarriages and no one talks about it. I now have the most beautiful 4 year old grandson and I spend every minute I can with him. I truly hope you find peace and know that your little angel is watching over you.
Thank you Colleen.
I think Coco is. ; )
Thank you for sharing your story! There are many pregnancy loss sites, groups and posts but they always seem to leave out eptopic. I had three eptopic pregnancies. The first and third resulted in the removal of a fallopian tube. It was devastating and took many years to overcome. It will never really be okay that I didn’t have children but I will see them again someday. I asked the Lord for a glimpse of what they look like and years later He gave me a dream. I hold fast to that image. Turning a page I have started to devote my time and resources to homeless woman and children in the Houston area. I can see now this is what God had in mind for me…
Sorry for your loss as well, but helping others as a result is an amazing thing to do!
Thank you for sharing your story – I know everyone of us will tell you it has happened to us too. But on top of that, the hospital had no compassion for you by putting you in the maternity ward. Mine was Christmas morning (35 years ago) and the doctor said well too bad it wasn’t viable anyway and you still have your other child! No heart but the pain never goes away, it just moves over for other things.
Unbelievable!! So sorry for your loss as well.
hugs to you
Beautiful and heartbreaking
Dear Beautiful Shemane…I had the same experience with my first pregnancy. I remember wearing a beautiful white lace dress that my co workers had given me to wear at my baby shower. RIght in the middle of opening gifts, I had the same pain you described. I excused myself to the ladies room and discovered I was spotting. I stayed for the remainder of the party and after everyone left, my husband picked me up and took me to emergency.
During a follow up visit, my ob-gyn (a gentlemen the age that I am now) told me the fetus was a girl. Advised me to give up because I was 29..and that if God intended for me to have a baby, this one would have made it. Of course, this advice only made me more driven to have my baby. Soon, I changed Dr.’s to the amazing Dr. Monte in Dallas Baylor. 3 years later I had my first son and 4 years after that …my surprise son. They are now 23 and 19. Like you, I seem to miss that baby girl now as much as 20 + years ago. I am a household Nanny for a wonderful family 16 years now and 1 of their 3 kids is a sweetheart named Cami. I thank God every day for the blessing of Cami in my life, and her mother for allowing me to share in the joys of a girl. Thank you for sharing your story. Your family sounds big and awesome and they are so lucky to have you! I am a Ted Nuge fan myself, but I also admire his beautiful wife!!! I would like to think that your “Coco” and my “Ruby” are on the same team in Heaven above❤
I think they are!!
blessings to you Bee!
I an so sorry you had to go through this. I have not lost my own child but I did lose my granddaughter. She was born too early but lived 4 hours. It’s not easy to fit a whole lifetime in 4 hours. I think of her often and try to imagine what she would look like and what she would be doing now. She would be 21 right now. I miss her and thankfully I got to hold her.
No, I imagine it cannot be easy to fit a lifetime in 4 hours.
Prayers to you, Ramona
I know it isn’t the same, but I lost my one year old granddaughter, Addy May. She and my daughter had been living with me for the last eight months. She went to spend the weeekend with her bio dad. He was got drunk and passes out in the same bed she was sleeping in as he didn’t have a crib for her. The autopsy said asphyxiation due to co-sleeping. Police found alcohol containers in the trash by the bed, but since his family worked for the police department, no charges were filed against him. Losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. She would have been 4 years old this year. I wonder what she would look like now. I miss her every day. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so sorry.
Sending hugs, love & light.
There are no human words that can express the pain or sympathy one parent feels for another after the loss of a child. Instead, I’m sending you my spiritual love through almighty God. Also to Ted and all your children.
To all who’ve lost children.
May God Bless you and give you peace.
Thank you Brian
Oh, Shemane! Thanks for saying the words my heart feels! Our second child Was lost at 16 weeks…we were warned by the doctor after seeing swelling on the ultrasound that the baby might be born with multiple chromosome problems and that we should go home and decide “what to do” …what? Have an abortion? Never! 2 weeks later we went back for further check-ups and apparently the baby had died, and I never miscarried her…we were never told she could die! I felt so guilty, like how could I not know that my baby was dead? What kind of mother was I? Sadly, we went on to lose 5 more babies, all requiring surgery as I never miscarried. When hospitalization was required, I too was on the L & D ward…quietly crying every time Brahm’s Lullabye was played to herald that a baby was born. Through God and chemistry we had our second daughter at age 42 and a half…and we are blessed with 2 wonderful friends! We will meet up with their beautiful souls some day! I know. May God continue to bless you and your family and ease your heart.
You have endured a lot. Sending hearts & prayers…
Wow! I’m a believer that I am exactly where I am supposed to be every minute of every day. Strange coincidences happen so much that I don’t even question it anymore which is why I’m not even surprised I came across this article. I feel like I know you so well that I am you! I too had emergency surgery and lost a baby so long ago and I too hadn’t grieved- until now. I find myself sitting here with tears streaming down my face and wondering. So strange to think of such things from so long ago! There is beauty in the pain and I am truly at peace in this moment- maybe it’s her way of telling me she is OK. Thank you for sharing!
I’m with you, Laureen. Tears streaming down my face.
Beauty and pain.
Much love to you and thank you for sharing.
I am sorry for your loss. Your grief is still real and it still hurts. The sadness and wonder is and will always be there. Sometimes the wonder is horrible and sometimes it’s ok. As with other posters, I also lost a child 5 years ago, she was 11. She was a twin, who is now almost 18! We have and older daughter two who is almost 22! My heart still aches, not as much, not as often but the wonder of what would she be like, who would she be? is always there!! (hugs) to you and Ted.
I am so sorry for your loss Lana.
Sorry you didn’t have the chance to enjoy her life. I have my only 38 yo daughter who has been sent home under hospice care and is now preparing to go be with the Lord.
I love your wild man Ted and you are an inspiration to me as well.
Thank you for your words. Life is truley fragile.
Ted can hunt Florida if he wants to come down.
My heart goes out to you.
I’m so sorry.
Sending love & light
Dear Shemane, I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your life with us. My prayers for you and Ted. I believe God will unite you with your Heavenly child someday and until then she is always with you. Sending my love.
Thank you Marina
Thank you for sharing, I’ve had 2 miscarriages as well as lost my 15 year old daughter to suicide. The grief is real. It’s not just the loss of a soul, a human it’s the loss of a dream. I’m sorry for your loss, Coco is a beautiful name.
I’m sure that your sharing will help someone else heal.
thank you for sharing your story. My heart is heavy for you.
love & light…
I was never able to have children of my own but I understand your loss to a degree. I felt the same way you did in that years after my surgery I was able to finally look at the situation and realize what I was now missing out on. God bless you!
God bless you Gail. Many women who cannot have children suffer the same sadness and grief and continue to ask “what if”.
Allow those moments…..then allow them to pass.
Your story hits home for me. We had two small children when my wife became pregnant with what would have been our third. After a while she felt something wasn’t right and was feeling pain. We went to the doctor who told us it was an eptopic pregnancy but he was going out of town and would tend to her the following week. Well, it didn’t wait that long and her fallopian tube ruptured. I was at work and she fell down, passing out but was able to tell our two-year old to get a neighbor for help. She was bleeding out internally when transported to the hospital by paramedics. When I arrived, the on-duty doctore told me they had to operate immediately to save her life but the doctor who was on-call for our OB/GYN wanted her transported to our regular facility so that medical group could treat her. The doctor I was speaking to said she may or may not survive being transported the 15 miles or so but could not get authorization from our group (an HMO). The on -call doctor said he didn’t care about the insurance or payment and would operate if I gave my consent…no brainer there. She underwent successful surgery and eventually we got the finances worked out.
Obviously we lost that baby which was very upsetting to my wife but I was more thankful about her recovery. Thirty years later, there is still some lingering mental effects for her and I get a little teary thinking about that time in our lives. We were told that since she lost the one tube, her chances of another pregnancy were slim. However she did have another and now we have 3 grown awesome children and 6 grandchildren. So when I read your story and your feelings, I felt a sense of sadness for you but also a sense of aomething in common. Bless you and thank you for sharing.
By the way, I am a retired police officer and have appreciated you and Ted’s support over the years.
Thank you for sharing your story Bob. I appreciate hearing from men who endure these tragedies too. It’s not just women.
And thank you for your service and sacrifices to keep us all safe.
My boyfriend and I had dated for 14 years, were engaged for 4-1/2 of them. I found out I was pregnant one week, we got married the next, and 5 days later lost the baby with an eptopic pregnancy. That was almost 26 years ago, and although I have a son and daughter now, and am still married to that great man who I fell in love with at age 14, I still think about that little baby we lost. May you find peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
It’s never easy.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. The emotions are raw, sometimes so painful they’re hard to endure, but as you said, ‘life gets in the way.” I lost twin girls in my second trimester, right after I’d felt that first movement. The OB knew, and told me they’d passed, but made me carry them for 3 more weeks before “the procedure” because I didn’t miscarry naturally. I had my second son a year to the day after that D&C in March, so I believe I have three birthdays to celebrate. That maternity ward must have been torture for you and a very cruel thing for the hospital staff to do. I’ll think of you on my son’s and twins’ birthday, and all the other women (and the many men who suffer with us), who have lost children without being able to give them a hug. Even when life gets in the way, I don’t think we ever forget, we put it away (I can’t express it properly) to deal with day-to-day, but as with you, eventually it seems to come back, with the grieving, and it’s almost impossile sometimes, but at least for me, the grieving has to be done. I’m sincerely sorry for you and Ted, you both lost a precious gift.
No, we never forget. Life gets in the way but somehow, we always remember.
I’m so sorry for your loss, as well.
God Bless you Shemane, you’ll meet her in heaven and she will be very proud and is of the wonderful mother she has! Your tribute to her brought a few tears to this man’s eyes!
Thank you Mike!
And, yes, I believe I will see her.
My heart and prayers to all woman that go through something so awful. To you Shemane for being so strong. Grieving the death of loved one is personal to each person, nobody can say it will be 1 to 5 years to get through it. Sometimes the soul knows when to allow u the grieving to take place. God and prayers to all.
Thanks Darlene. You’re right. There’s no rulebook to mourning loss.
I appreciate you being here.
So moving! Your point about the maternity ward really hit home. At just 18 years old (when everyone thought I had no business being pregnant in the first place!) I suffered a miscarriage the day before my 5 month ultrasound. After a D&C I was put on the maternity floor and it was nothing short of torture! 27 years later I have 2 grown children and am still married to the same wonderful man. I do hope putting your feelings into words has helped you. I know that at least a couple times a year it weighs heavy on my mind and I’m very thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings with my husband.
I’m sorry for your loss Dawn.
Hugs and blessings to you and your hubby.
Thank you Shemane, for your heartfelt story of your loss. I have lost 3 babies, and although I don’t dwell on my losses, I too, wonder what these babies would have been like. Especially since I know in my heart, one of them was a boy. I know someday I will meet them in Heaven.
And so will I.
And so will so many others.
love and light, Shemane
You’ll probably think it a bit strange for a man to reply to your moving story of loss. But, as a father of six, I’ve treasured every one of my children both in the womb and out.
My first wife and I lost a child in the third month of pregnancy many years ago and we mourned its loss just as if it had been born to us. Every life is so precious and we knew then just as we still do that we will meet that child in Heaven one day. Can I just say that men who love their wives and children feel the loss as well albeit in a different way.
I pray for your and Ted’s peace as he suffers the loss, grief, and sadness with you again. Thank you for sharing your heart in such a candid way.
Thank you Dan. I appreciate knowing that men who love their wives feel their sadness and grief as well.
Blessings to you and your family
Thank you for sharing this. There are support groups and posts for pregnancy loss but they hardly ever include Eptopic it seems. I went through three eptopic pregnancies. The first and third resulted in the removal of my fallopian tube. It was devastating and a long journey to overcome. It will never truly be okay that I didn’t get to have a family but I know they are waiting for me in heaven. After a number of years asking the Lord to let me see them I did finally have a dream. I will hold onto the image of them standing before me until I go home.
Yes, hold on to that image and know that they are waiting for you.
peace and love,
I really hope my wife, which is sleeping at my side right now, will not passs through the same feelings, as we had experienced exactly the same path 12 years ago. I now have my eyes full of tears, and I am wondering what should I have done with my second child Genevieve if she would have been here, now that her brother Enrico is growing and looking to his father as an enemy that he loves but that he needs to compete with. I have not being very close to my wife recently, and she is always at my side and taking care of our son, but she is alone, I would like to wake her up and kiss, but I’m afraid the reaction could be not the one I am expecting, so I will wait until tomorrow morning. Thank you Shemane. Ted wrote what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but being stronger doesn’t mean being better, or happier.
So much to say here Marco. Thank you for sharing your story. It is often difficult for men to understand what women in their lives truly endure. It is different for each of us. We are made to give birth and nurture. And when it doesn’t happen, it’s confusing. Just know that patience, hugs and listening go a long, long way.
Blessings to you.
I had an ectopic pregnancy back in 54 and was also very ill. Had to have a direct blood transfusion and made it thru . My late husband was in the Air Force at the time. But in spite of being told I may never have children went on to have six wonderful children.
Thank you for sharing Donna.
This is the first time in the 20+ years since I lost my babies ( 1 ectopic , 1 miscarriage & an ectopic with twins) that I’ve ever heard or read the feelings of anyone who’s been through this heartbreak. I have endured the silence of friends & family who never speak of my children (I was never able to have any) & I have also endured the downplay from others in relation to losing a child after birth. I have mourned my children since the day I lost them & will until the day I die. I hear every cry or laughter of any child within 1000 feet of me & I wonder every day what they would look like & how it would feel to just hug them. Thank you for writing this..I don’t feel alone anymore. Prayers for you my friend. May God bless your heart with peace & understanding.
We are not alone, Peg.
And we will never forget.
much love, S
Omgoodness, this has me almost ugly crying. It’s so incredibly moving and beautiful in a way that every mother everywhere can relate to. Such a loss. But thanks for sharing and touching my heart with it.
Thank you Nora.
Sorry you were “ugly crying” but grateful, as well.
I don’t believe it was an accident that you could mourn “after all these years”.
We have an AWESOME GOD. He knows you intimately and knew you
had this Great need in your heart to mourn your precious daughter.
Jesus Christ willingly died on the Cross of Calvery for the sins of the World.
Ask God to forgive your sins and Ask Jesus to be your personal Savior.
Your daughter is in Heaven. You will see her again because God’s Word promises
Eternal life thru Him.
I too have a baby in Heaven, waiting for me at Jesus feet.
Ill be praying for you.
Beautifully written Shemane! Your words hit home for me too. I lost a child to an ectopic pregnancy. I remember the excruciating pain both physically and mentally. The undeniable truth that I couldn’t wrap my mind around echoed through my thoughts. I had two little girls at the time, ages 9 and 3. I cried thinking I was going to die and not see them grow up into beautiful young ladies. GOD heard my prayers. I did lose the baby, but was blessed with 3 more children in the years that followed. Thank you for sharing your story that so many can relate to. God bless your family!
You are blessed!
But we can never forget, can we?
hugs and prayers, S
As I sit here reading your heartfelt story and all the comments that followed, tears roll down my face. I also lost a daughter after 7 days of life, 25 yrs ago. She had hypo plastic left heart syndrome. I still look at young women and wonder what she would have become. I felt selfishly cheated and a black hole where my heart once was. Through the years we push through but sometimes the emptiness remains. The what if’s come and go as time goes by. The memories still bring pain since there wasn’t enough time to make memories of joy. I have to believe that God alone understands why these things happen. You’re an amazing woman for sharing your story and I thank you.
Thank you for sharing yours Carrie.
I know that empty feeling you describe, as I myself have two Angel babies. My first and second pregnancies. I had to deliver my second one at 4 1/2 months knowing the baby was deceased. I did not want to know the gender. I was blessed with two sons, my miracle babies. 14 & 6 years old now. When my oldest was 2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we were told it was highly unlikely to have anymore children due to the high doses of chemo.
Well 7 yrs after treatment and in remission we were blessed with another son. I still think of my Angel babies often and have two rose of Sharon tree’s planted in my back yard, my sister bought me after losing each baby. You are not alone and have every right to mourn your loss, the loss only a mother knows! Hugs and prayers to you.
A beautiful story Kelly!
I like the idea of planting a tree, too!
Thank you for sharing! I rarely let myself ruminate on the loss of pregnancy. The first miscarriage was my first baby and was hard, but I tried to not get my hopes up until after the first trimester with the rest of the pregnancies. 10 pregnancies, 6 births is what I write on the doctor’s forms. I write and try not to think. The hardest was the miscarriage on September 10th 2001. I tried not to bother my husband nor doctor because it was a Sunday and they both had church responsibilities. I bled too much. I wasn’t thinking straight. I had 3 children to care for while bleeding. The pain would not crest nor fall–it hung in an eternal cramp. I couldn’t breathe. Eventually, I was in the hospital and they “cleaned” me up. Two weeks later they would tell me my hematocrit was still so low I should have a blood transfusion, but I was clearly not in harm’s way by then. It took months to take the stairs as I did before.
But the sadness, the loss of life, in my own body, and in NY. I felt–still feel guilty to feel the loss when so many lost so much more. But something changed forever that week. My oldest boy was in kindergarten and told me if there were more evil planes, he would take his rope and lasso them before they could hit another building. He couldn’t sleep for years because our home was in the path of the landing planes. It all blends together. The loss. The misguided hope. The longing for the lost life. In the Bible it states “in the beginning was the word”. . . the miscarriages seem like a loss before the beginning–what words are there for this? I still don’t know. And so I write “10 pregnancies, 6 births.”
I’m so sorry for your losses Amy.
Sending you prayers for hope and healing.
My heart is broken I never knew she is awaiting you in heaven may God provide you healing
Thank you Billy.
Thank you, my friend.
Very moving story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have three daughters and each one of them have had a miscarriage. I grieved with them because my children and grandchildren are my world. We lost their father when they were very young in a car wreck. Being a young widow of 26 with three small children was hard. Then I lost a fiance to cancer. Then a bad marriage just trying to be normal. It ended in divorce. Then I found the man of my dreams only to lose him to an illness. Everyone That has replied that have lost babies I heart goes out to you God bless you all. Loss is so hard to deal with. Especially when people just don’t understand you will grieve the rest of your life. My girls dad will never see how beautiful his daughters are and how wonderful and beautiful the grandkids are. I feel your loss thru your story shemane. Thank you for sharing. God bless you and give you peace and love.
God bless you Carrie. I’m sorry for your losses.
It is difficult, but we will be reunited. Sharing your story will help others too.
No matter how long we have them, they touch our hearts deeply and remain a paramount part of our soul….I buried my forever sweet 16 year old baby girl and it has broken me in depths not many can fathom…..our children are always our children and no parent should have to bear a life without them…prayers and thoughts for your loss
I’m so sorry Deb.
May God bring you peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes years can go by without realizing the pain we bury so we can keep going. May God comfort your family as only He can.
God bless you and your family. Me and my wife are going through the same situation. Our 3 month old went to heaven 6 months ago, and the only way to describe it is that I feel like I’m drowning. God loves you, and his plan for us and our children are purposeful. We may never understand why, but he will take care of us.
So sorry for your loss John. Everyone grieves differently. Allow yourself to anyway you can.
Thank you. I have had 3 miscarriages and no one understands how horrible it is then and now still. I have one beautiful daughter who is 19 now. She would have 2 older siblings and one younger but God’s plan was for her to be an only child and I don’t claim to understand but I know it is what must be. Thank you for sharing your incredible story.
Thank you for sharing.